This is my dog Mikey. My girlfriend just brought him home the other day, and despite the fact that he looks like a stuffed animal, I gotta say, I’m loving having him around. I’ve never had a dog before, because when I was a kid, my parents were against happiness. We traveled a lot so we always had cats cause when you travel you can just put the cat outside because if it dies no one gives a shit. “Where’s that thing that used to cry when we were trying to sleep?” ”I don’t know, but I guess we should go out and get another.” But this dude is the shit! Look at that little face! Seriously, if he broke into the neighbor’s house and ate their baby I’d still be like, “Yeah, but watch what he does when I throw a sock across the room!” And I know that’s a morbid way to describe feelings of love that you have for a small dog, but I’m new to this cute positivity thing, so go fuck yourself.
I was thinking the other day that it’s becoming harder and harder for me to listen to the gangster rap music that I’ve always loved because it just doesn’t go with my pussy ass life. I’ll be getting into it, singing along, “I ain’t afraid of no cops! I ain’t afraid of no cops!” Then I’m like, “Well, why would I be, I’m eating a salad. Cops are not against a high fiber diet. Unless there’s a sting at Whole Foods…” It’s actually hard to listen to any music at this age. I love punk rock, but now I have mutual funds, there’s nothing punk about sound financial planning. You can’t smash your guitar and be like, “It’s okay fellas, I got it insured.” What music goes with the life of a 30 something who lives with his long term girlfriend? I guess the “Here Comes the Bride,” song and techno because it’s so repetitive. Mandel out….via an elevator to take it easy on my knees.
I was thinking, being a reverend or a Rabbi, or the leader of any religious congregation is like the sweetest gig ever. You get a built in audience, they come week after week, and then you get on stage and read from a book that you didn’t even write. You’re like a glorified cover band. You might as well be up there, “And God sayeth…Sweet Caroline.” That’s why Jesus was the shit, he wrote his own material, did his own stunts, he was like Jackie Chan. Just saying, if this comedy thing doesn’t work out I’m going into God.
I was on an airplane last night and as we were landing a stewardess comes over the loudspeakers and says, “When we land, stay in your seat, we have a medical emergency and paramedics have to come on the plane. Stay in your seat.” Then we land and a Chinese couple immediately gets up and bolts to the front of the plane. Because they clearly don’t speak English and so the stewardess might as well have been saying, “When we land, get off the plane as soon as possible. Just run off the plane. If an old lady gets in your way, Kung-Fu her in the face, get off the plane!” And so this couple is running to the front and everyone starts going nuts yelling, “No, sit down, sit down.” And the couple is looking around confused, cause again, they don’t speak English. And people are like miming sitting down, which is hard to do when you’re sitting down. And finally the couple just looks at each other in confusion and sits down on the floor. They sat down right in the middle of the aisle, like they’d been offered a treat. And suddenly everybody started laughing. It was this big communal, “We’re better than them,” laugh. Even the fat guy who had to buy two seats was like, “Hehehe, ow, my heart…” And I was like, “No, this is why their beating us!” Because when someone yells for them to do something, they do it. They figure, “Well, their yelling for us to do it, their must be a reason, let’s do it.” They don’t go, “You can’t yell at me, I watch Nascar! My daddy’s friends with Toby Keith’s road manager.” They just cooperate and act like reasonable people without thinking about what others think. And everyone laughed like they were stupid and then when the paramedics finally came on it turned out that the medical emergency was a woman had opened up the bathroom door into her own face and scratched her cornea. So, at least there was laughter all around. MM
This story touched my heart guys and I wanted to share it with you. It’s never too late to live your life and enjoy all that this great world has to offer. Read and be amazed at the depth and resilience of the human heart….
3 arrested in drug, prostitution sting at Englewood senior citizen housing complex
Some of the activities taking place at Englewood’s senior citizen housing complex were a long way from canasta, police said.
A man, 75, and a woman, 66, suspected of using cocaine and running a prostitution ring out of their apartments at the Vincente K. Tibbs Senior Citizen Building have been arrested after residents complained about vagrants, drunks and addicts invading their building, authorities said.
The suspects and an alleged accomplice are believed to be behind a recent rise in crime that had residents afraid to come out of their apartments, authorities said. Their growing fears prompted an undercover investigation and new round-the-clock police patrols of the complex.
“Essentially, they were prisoners in their own building,” Chief Arthur O’Keefe of theEnglewood police said of the residents. “I wasn’t going to allow that to continue.”
In late April, police arrested fifth-floor residents James Parham and his neighbor Cheryl Chaney on charges of possession of drug paraphernalia and maintaining a drug nuisance. Chaney faces an additional charge of possession of crack cocaine.
A third suspect, Selma McDuffie, a 54-year-old school crossing guard, was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia after police found her with a crack pipe, police said. McDuffie has been suspended from her police-run crossing guard job in Englewood and threatened with arrest if she returns to the building.
Parham admitted providing prostitutes — mostly young women with crack cocaine addictions — to some of his younger neighbors in the building, Detective Capt. Timothy Torell said. More charges could be pending.
This was brought to my attention via Neal Brennan’s twitter page. It’s weird how funny someone can be when talking about something totally unfunny….
I did a little short film type thing and had to wear this fake beard. It was very itchy and uncomfortable and it made me feel sympathy for my balls. Those little fellas put up with a lot. What I’m trying to say is I’m shaving my balls. Out of respect.
I saw one of my favorite rappers the other day. I won’t say his name, but he performed at my college back when I didn’t have back hair. In college I watched him rock the stage, rapping about weed and sex and violence. He said, “Who’s gonna fuck somebody tonight?!” And we all screamed, even though most of us knew that we certainly were not going to be able to do that. He said “Who wants to smoke some chronic?!” And we were all like, “I would enjoy that very much sir, thank you!” He jumped off of the speakers into the crowd, and we caught him because we loved him. We loved him and we wanted to be him because he was so cool and real and had probably banged every dancer on that stage. Dancers that had big asses and gold chains. Dancers that probably kept guns in their pussies just in case any crazy shit went down, because how could it not?! This was a —– show after all, and —– was the coolest motherfucker alive. He even had a song called, “Coolest Mother fucker alive,” to which the chorus was, “I’m the coolest motherfucker alive,” just in case there were any doubts about who the coolest mother fucker alive was. My point is, the other day I saw —– in LA drinking a cup of tea while eating a salad. So, I guess it’s true what they say, we’re all gonna die. I looked over at —– realizing that I’ve already reached the age where even my heroes are no longer heroic. So, full of sadness, I did the only thing that there is to do in a moment like that, when you feel old and defeated. I asked the waiter to top off my mimosa, ordered a salad of my own, and tweeted “I’m cooler than the coolest mother fucker alive. L”