CAN JEWS EVER ROOT FOR GERMANY?

Germany

I never watch soccer, and yet I oddly found myself watching the World Cup finals while biting my fingernails, fully invested in the outcome of the game. Why? Because, as a Jew, I feel a strong obligation to root against Germany no matter what. At all times. Regardless of the event. If Germany is involved, I want them to fail. If Germany is putting out a movie, I want it to bomb. If Germany is building a bridge, I want it to collapse. If Germany is trying to find the cure for cancer, I want their tests to come up empty and a lot more people to die of cancer, which I will then blame on Germany’s inability to find a cure.  So, needless to say when Germany won the World Cup, I felt like Poland had been invaded all over again.

And honestly, this is idiotic. Rooting against Germany in the World Cup because of World War Two? Why? That’s like saying, “Your grandfather was a dick. I hope you miss that header.” The players had nothing to do with the holocaust. My grandfather worked for the post office and I don’t take any responsibility for your package getting destroyed last Christmas. There’s no reason for me to hold any modern German responsible for what the Nazi’s did, and yet there’s a small part of me that just can’t seem to let it go.   Even when it comes to soccer, a sport that I generally find easier to ignore than the advice of my parents, I wanted the Germans to weep with sadness while they watched their soccer Nazis get their asses kicked.

And yet the weird thing is, when I visited Germany, and met actual Germans, I really enjoyed myself. The people were nice, the cities were beautiful. Even the food was amazing. Every time I bit into a sausage I forgave them for 4,000 Jews. I’ve been all over Europe and I can honestly say that Germany was one of my favorite countries. It’s a cool place. They got a bit too much techno music going on, but it’s not like they herd you into a train car and force you to listen to it.

I think it’s just hard to root for modern Germans because when they get focused and aggressive they look just like those pictures you see in history books of Nazis shouting at rallies. Holding up their hands as though they are shielding their eyes from the great Jewish sun. So, when you see Germans today getting pumped up and excited, it almost seems like the thing that they’re focused on could switch at any moment and they’d go right back to the old times. Like their fans could be cheering in the World Cup, yelling, “Defend our goal,” and then suddenly throw in, “And keep the Heebs out of our banks!”

But it’s not their fault, Germans just can’t help being so Germanie. They just get fired up and steely eyed and give things everything they’ve got, that’s why they’re so good at stuff. They take things to the top level every time. They’ve got one gear and they ride it hard. When they kill Jews, they kill a lot of them. When they make porn, they shit on each other’s chests. It’s just how they get down.

But enough is enough. It’s been over 60 years since that Holocaust mumbo jumbo, at this point I should be able to root for Germany from time to time. I’m not saying if a war broke out I’d be breaking out my Lederhosen, but it’s ridiculous for me to automatically root against Germany regardless of the event. I should be able to judge each competition, each match, each sporting event, from a grounded unJewy perspective and then decide which side I’m on.

In fact, that’s my goal for the next four years. To work my way up to being able to root for Germany in at least a few games during the next World Cup. It won’t be easy, especially if they have a lot of fans in the crowd and they all start chanting some weird scary Germany words that just sound anti-semitic by nature of there tone. It’s going to take some work, but I’m willing to do it. I’m willing to put in the time for the good of my own well-being and the world itself. I’ll just work my way up to soccer. I’ll start by rooting for Germany in ping-pong, then swimming, then equestrian if they’re one of the weird countries that do that, then Formula One racing, then Yahtzee, so that when soccer finally comes back around and people actually give a shit about it again for four weeks, I’ll maybe be able to root for Germany to at least get out of the qualifying round. Maybe. But then after that I want them to get their Nazi asses kicked back to Bavaria.

L’chaim,

 

MM

 

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MY OWN SHOW ON truTV!!!!

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FROM VARIETY:

TruTV Adds Four Unscripted Series to Revamped Slate JULY 10, 2014 | 10:02AM PT Shelli Weinstein @shellidw Cabler truTV has greenlit four unscripted series as part of its continued brand evolution and has expanded the episode order for upcoming reality show “Way Out West.” “Branson Famous” (working title) goes behind the scenes of the longest-running variety show in Branson, Mo., “The Baldknobbers Jamboree.”  The show follows the Mabe family’s challenges as the show slips into financial decline and faces difficulties in town. “Hack My Life,” a comedic take on the never-ending supply of life hacks designed to save time, money and effort.  The show offers step-by-step instructions on how to incorporate the cheats into everyday life. “Kart Life” takes viewers into the world of kart racing, following the kids and parents as they pursue the prize: landing a national ranking and a shot at one day becoming a professional driver. ‘The Shake Up,” a competition reality series, seeks to settle which bar owners have the best recipe for success.  In each episode, comedian Mo Mandel (Comedy Central) travels to a different city and pits two bar owners against each other by challenging them to turn the most profit while running the other’s bar. All four series are slated to air this fall and winter. The Western reality series “Way Out West” is set to premiere July 21. Earlier this year the network began revamping its programming lineup with series such as “The Carbonaro Effect” and “Motor City Masters,” seeking to offer a variety of action, comedy and competition series with new setttings and stories. “TruTV is working with an outstanding group of creators who are providing each of our series with a unique and surprising point of view,” said Chris Linn, president and head of programming for truTV, in a statement. “We are creating innovative and clever programming with a goal to make truTV a fun ride for grownups and a refreshing alternative in a landscape where so many shows look and feel the same.” The Turner-owned network, which at one time was Court TV, also is rolling out a slightly tweaked logo to reflect its refreshed programming.

 

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THE PODCAST RETURNS: MO VS JOE DEROSA

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NEW EPISODE: MO VS JAKE WEISMAN

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